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zealotarchaeologist:

i stepped on the scale today and it said “bat”

it took me a few seconds to realize it meant the battery was out, but before i realized that i just said “i am not a bat” out loud


lokihasthebox:

meowvgonspengler:

do you ever shift in bed slightly and suddenly youre in the most perfect sleeping position ever and you feel like the fucking planets are aligned

and then you need to pee



bootycap:

imagine a ghost getting brought back to life but they’ve been a ghost for so long that they have trouble adjusting. like, they keep running into walls and doors because they used to be able to just pass through them or they trip down the stairs because they used to float down them and sometimes they trip over their own feet because they forget how to walk all together 





While walking outta CVS Awhile ago, a guy says to his what seems to be 7 year old daughter, “Now don’t eat chocolate off the road anymore.”
Makes me wonder what kind of ‘chocolate’ the kid ate…lol